Channel 7 executives scrambling to find out what “women” are, in wake of soccer ratings record

Australian media executives have been left scrambling today following reports that last night’s Matildas vs Denmark match was the most viewed moment of Australian television in 2023, beating out State of Origin. Now executives have launched company wide investigations into finding out what these ‘women’ are and what ‘women’s sport’ is.

“So you’re saying these people play sport that can be televised all year round?” asked the head of 7 Sport, “And that we could be showing that sport all year like we do with the men’s? This is crazy, we had no idea! How did we miss such a big market?”

“We need to get to the bottom of this. We have our researchers looking into what these ‘women’ are as we speak. So far all we have is data from focus groups made up of shock jocks and other divorced dads from 20 years ago saying no one would watch women’s sport. This is really conflicting information here.”

Major sporting bodies have also been left stunned by the notion of women, with many saying that they have noticed an ‘unexplainable’ spike in merchandise sales, ticket sales and sponsorship money, with one executive saying, “we aren’t sure where this money is coming from but we assume that it’s just the fantastic work of the men’s teams and our executives, so we will be sure to reinvest it all back into our pockets.”