AUKUS subs scrapped in favour of Mackenzie Arnold defending nation’s borders

The Australian Government has scrapped its controversial $90 billion submarine program after new intelligence suggests Mackenzie Arnold really can be in multiple places at once.

“I mean did you see the game against France?! What more protection do you need?” said Prime Minister Anthony Albanese who used the press conference to announce a surprise $90 billion surplus to the budget, which will instead be spent on subsidies for men’s sport.

“Our analysts are confident, based on last week’s game, that Mackenzie can defend against any and all incoming threats, domestic and international – she’s proven this several times.”

Arnold responded to several incoming questions on the matter as if she had pre-calculated where they were coming from and took a firm stance against each one.

“Yes, I’m proud to defend Australia on any stage at any time. Ever since I was a little girl playing in underfunded clubs with no government help, to playing on the world stage for the last 10 years with no government help, now I’ll defend our nation’s borders with very little government help,” she said before expertly deflecting an incoming question about the Barbie movie.

The Matildas are reportedly in talks with the Department of Defence to be included in their budget, with the government promising at least $400 towards the next World Cup.

“That’ll help put some petrol in the team bus for sure!” beamed Australian coach Tony Gustavsson  “It’s the most funding we’ve ever been offered so we’re very excited for this deal”

Opposition leader Peter Dutton has responded, demanding more information on this “new type of foreigner football.”

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