AFL suspends player for not being on cocaine, declares it an isolated incident

The AFL world has been rocked after a routine drug test confirmed a player was NOT currently on cocaine.

The league acted swiftly suspending the “rogue” player indefinitely amid fears he will not fit-in to his team’s culture.

“Look we are in charge of a large group of risk-taking men in their 20s with large disposable incomes, in a culture rife with peer pressure and toxic masculinity… of course we’re confident this is an isolated incident,” a statement from the AFL’s coked-up executive team read.

UPDATE: The player’s suspension has been lifted effective immediately after a B-sample confirmed large amounts of ecstasy and ketamine in the player’s system. He has since been promoted to club captain.