Touring professional speaker who can’t string a coherent sentence together, Scott Morrison has used the censure motion against him today, humbly calling for all of Australia to forgive those responsible for his secret cabinet positions, Jenny Morrison.

“This motion is nothing more than a political publicity stunt,” said the self-appointed hairdresser, truck driver and welder, “it makes a mockery of this parliament.”

“I can’t believe you are all so vindictive, to go after Jenny like this. Yes, she failed to have one of her chats about my secret roles, but no journalists thought to ask me if I had secret roles either! It’s all everyone else’s fault, how dare you scapegoat Jenny!”

“In fact, it’s also all your fault that I’ve not taken responsibility for this, because I did nothing. But also, what I did do was be your savior by taking on the burden of these roles. You don’t need to thank me, but you should.”

Mr Morrison then spent the remainder of his allotted time standing arms spread out like Jesus on the cross waiting for people to thank him, which led to three minutes of silence before he eventually said, “You’re welcome” then preceding to retake his seat and play Angry Birds on his phone for the rest of the day.