Peter Dutton kills Voice, makes new horcrux

Peter Dutton split the tattered fragments of his soul into yet another piece tonight, as his success in killing the Indigenous Voice to Parliament created yet another horcrux. It joins those created in 2017 when Dutton killed both Malcolm Turnbull’s prime ministership and his own chances of getting the job when it turned out that he didn’t know how to count his own votes.

Dutton is understood to have made dozens more horcruxes during his career as an ordinary Queensland police officer.

Along with his soul, the Opposition leader successfully split Australians into those who didn’t know what the Voice was, and those capable of using Google. He convinced voters that an advisory body would somehow divide voters, but that rejecting the ambitions of indigenous Australians to have a say in their own future would bring the nation joyfully together.

When asked whether he had any plans to heal the nation he had so bitterly divided, or close the gap between First Nations and the rest of the community, Dutton hissed “No!” and vanished in a puff of sinister smoke.

Key to Dutton’s success was his use of the unforgivable ‘imperio’ curse to manipulate Jacinta Nampijinpa Price, Nyunggai Warren Mundine and, strangely, Kamahl, while even the world’s strongest user of dark magic was unable to control Lidia Thorpe.

Experts say that the Dark Lord – known as such because of his lifelong mission to demonise less powerful members of society and his ability to speak to snakes, with his physical appearance just being a fortunate coincidence – will be even harder to kill after this latest victory. Dutton is believed to be vulnerable to a plucky trio of high school-aged magic users destroying his horcruxes, however, and also Newspoll.

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