The Liberal party breathed a sigh of relief today, after former Nationals leader Barnaby Joyce spoke out on the growing divide between the two parties. Describing the increasingly divided coalition between the Liberals and Nationals as “not a marriage”, Barnaby gave the clearest indication yet that the National’s aren’t planning to cheat on the Liberals behind their backs.

“Look, if this were some kind of binding holy matrimony between the two parties, then sure, we’d be free to drop each other the moment a better offer came along,” explained Barnaby in between a 5 minute long monologue of the word ‘Labor’. “Hell, if this were a marriage I’d be bonking the Greens on my office desk before you could even say the word “tomato”. But the fact is this isn’t a marriage, it’s a business arrangement, and we all know that is a sacred, lifelong bond that can’t be broken until the day you die.”

Asked whether he was still considering re-running for Nationals leader, Joyce said he wasn’t ruling it out. “If I was going to get demoted, it should have been related to my performance as a politician, not my private life,” explained Barnaby. “Like for example, the fact that I signed off on a shady water buyback which saw money go to a Cayman Islands account linked to a sitting minister, or that I threatened to kill a celebrity’s dog, or the bizarre interview I gave on the ABC, or the $40,000 cheque I accepted from Gina Rineheart, or the six months free rent I was given by a friend who benefitted from a controversial government project I approved, or the fact that I was in breach of the constitution for most of my time in parliament for failing to declare my dual citizenship, or the fact that I slept with one of my staff members.”

“Wait, no scrap that last one.”