‘Heroic’, Scott Morrison leaves politics without ever shooting a protesting woman

Shocking news as former Prime Minister, Finance Minister, Minister for Health, Home Affairs Minister, Resources Minister and Treasurer, Scott Morrison has announced his retirement from doing nothing in politics.

Scott Morrison’s time as Prime Minister was considered divisive by many, however his time in politics has been described by one former Prime Minister as ‘heroic’ due to his successes in not shooting women protesting against sexual assault.

“My career has had it’s challenges,” said Morrison, “from the bushfires, to covid, to trying to force people to shake my hand in photo-ops. It really had it’s ups and downs, but in the end I can stand happy knowing that I held off on the impulse I had to mow down a crowd of hundreds of thousands of protesting women.”

“I am truly a hero. But I am no egotist, so I would like to thank my taxpayer funded empathy consultant who talked me out of shooting those women, and to Jenny, who explained why it would be bad to do so. She has a way of explaining these things.”

In the end Morrison said he is excited to get a chance to spend more time with his tackling children.