Newly retired members of the Royal family and future French car crash victims Harry and Meghan Windsor have today announced plans to rejoin the royal family and just become full-time sex pests, stating that it seemed like the easier way to be stood down from royal duties without getting the cold shoulder from family and the press.

“You know, when we said we were going to live a normal life because of all the bad press coverage, we thought maybe the press would take the hint and, you know, not make up stuff about us,” explained Harry, “but somehow this has only made things worse. Apparently there’s one thing all those people who have complained about royalty love more, and that’s complaining about people not being royalty.”

Instead, the pair have put out a call to Kevin Spacey, asking that he host them in his US apartment for a few weeks, in the hopes that might encourage the Queen to allow them to take a back seat. “Hey it worked for Andrew,” explained Meghan, “worst he got was a cancelled birthday and a two hour BBC interview, while we’re getting harassed in the streets, so looks like sex trafficking is the dignified way out these days.”

Rumours suggest the Queen agrees, with reports that she has told palace confidants that she was upset with Harry’s sensible and timely resignation from Royal duties following the birth of his first child. “Why couldn’t he be more like my sister Margaret?” asked the Queen. “You know, live a circus of a life with little to no purpose other than to provide salacious headlines for the ravenous press while sitting on the sidelines of the royal family with no power or purpose but never-ending responsibilities and expectations, then eventually die lonely and unfulfilled looking back at a lifetime of wasted opportunities? God, I can’t imagine what’s gotten into him to think living life as a commoner would be better than that.”

Asked what he thought of the outrage, Prince Harry said it was simply tabloid trash, though News Corporation’s The Sun has informed us that his private texts tell a different story.