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Government unveils wide-reaching plan to blame everything on coronavirus

Prime Minister Scott Morrison this morning unveiled a sweeping package to deal with the coronavirus, announcing that henceforth every government cock-up would be blamed on the coronavirus.

“This crisis is the perfect excuse for everything,” Mr Morrison told reporters with glee. Mr Morrison said its incompetent handling of the sluggish economy, its breath-taking incompetence and corrupt self-dealing were all now the coronavirus’s fault, although the Labor Party was also to blame. “And the Greens,” he added.

“Most importantly,” Mr Morrison told reporters, “our inability to take responsibility for anything — that’s the coronavirus’s fault.”

When asked whether the plan went into addressing what to actually do about the coronavirus itself, Mr Morrison said it didn’t, but he blamed the current crisis. “We haven’t had time to address the public health issues raised by the coronavirus yet. We’ve been too busy working on this plan to think about that at all.”

Mr Morrison said it was a welcome relief to finally have something to new to blame for the sluggish economy. “Sure, the economy was falling off a cliff months before coronavirus, but in many ways, that’s the coronavirus’s fault for not being around earlier.”

The far reaching plan was the result of weeks of intensive planning by bureaucrats across all government departments. When asked whether it was appropriate for bureaucrats to prepare what is essentially a political plan to prop up the Liberal Party, Mr Morrison dismissed the concerns, blaming the inappropriate overlap on the coronavirus. “In a time of crisis, these things get blurred. If it weren’t for the coronavirus, it would never have happened.”

Mr Morrison said he wished the virus had been around years ago. “I wish I’d had something like this after I’d launched the Where the Bloody Hell Are You? campaign.”

Meanwhile, Mr Morrison said accusations made by his wife that he had forgotten to pick up milk on the way home last night were totally false. “The coronavirus is to blame,” he said.



Charles Firth
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