Dutton announces special drop bear task force

LNP’s most middle polling candidate yet, Peter Dutton has announced he will take Australia’s security seriously no matter how many briefings from security agencies he has to ignore.

“The government is not doing enough to protect against the biggest threat we’ve ever seen,” proclaimed Dutton, “you expect the police and intelligence agencies to keep us safe, but they’re really missing the big picture!”

“Did you know there’s a species of ancient koala that drops down from the trees and attacks innocent European tourists, what is our government doing about that?”

Mr Dutton was reportedly very alarmed by the concept of ‘drop bears’ and has proclaimed if elected, he will assemble a special task force dedicated to keeping Australians safe from this terrifying animal.

“When I brought this to my staff, they offered for me to sit with an expert who can explain how much of a threat these things are, but I had a lunch with Gina to get to and I’d already watched half a Youtube video so I already know everything there is to know about them.”

The opposition leader says the Australian people have a right to know that their government
takes the safety of it’s people seriously.

“The Prime Minister needs to understand that if he’s going to be in charge of this country, that means dealing with any and all threats, be it transgender people minding their business, or carnivorous Koala’s the size of polar bears!”

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