While many Aussies were left stunned by MP Alan Tudge’s defense in criminal court today of ‘Nah that corruption wasn’t me, you’re thinking of the other corrupt guy, Peter Dutton’, the LNP have clarified it is actually part of a new strategy when it comes to dealing with corruption. Reportedly referred to internally as, ‘ah fuck it who cares’ the new policy will see ministers not even bother to cover-up corruption since they aren’t going to investigate it anyway, which will save time, money and energy that could be reinvested into corruption.
“I think this will lead to great cost savings,” said one MP rolling a dice to decide how much money they will throw at News Corp this week. “We’ve wasted so much of parliament’s time trying to obfuscate and spin these things, by just right out admitting to corruption we’ll be able to spend a lot more time on the important tasks of government, like giving our mates handouts of taxpayer cash.”
“I mean, we put so much effort into doing what exactly, prolonging it until people find out? We fill out all that paperwork to try keep our corruption vaguely within the rules but then we realised – we’re the government! We don’t have to follow the rules. Who’s going to stop us? ASIO? Actually shit we forgot about ASIO, somebody go give them a bribe.”
Asked if they were afraid this new policy of being as openly corrupt as possible might hurt them at the ballot box, a representative for the Prime Minister said it wasn’t a concern. “They voted for us when we knifed Tony, then they voted for us when we knifed the guy who knifed Tony,” explained the staffer. “At this point for every vote we lose to Labor, they lose one to the Greens and since they won’t work together, there is literally no downside to this plan as long as we don’t investigate our own corruption. Best part is we pick the guy whose job it is to stop corruption. It’s a perfect system!”