Anthony Albanese regretting not using Shaq more

Heading into the final vote on the Voice to Parliament referendum, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has been left regretting his campaign strategy for the Yes side as polling suggests a No outcome. Albanese told people at the polling booths that he was kicking himself for not doing more with former basketballer and gambling mascot Dr Shaquille O’Neal.

“I owe this country an apology,” said the Prime Minister, “I launched this debate that we all knew would lead to an increase of racism and conspiracy theories. And when I did that, I promised you all ads starring Shaq as the literal voice of the voice, but I failed to deliver and now it seems I will likely fail to deliver the voice as a consequence.”

“We all know that since the moment I announced the referendum, while standing next to Shaq, popularity for the Voice was at its highest, only to begin falling the moment Shaq left the country.”

“We tried shifting gears, focusing on getting the endorsement of other nationally beloved icons like the major supermarkets, Qantas and the many of the biggest mining companies in the world. Our friends at Rio Tinto even pledged to go a whole week without blowing up any Indigenous landmarks.”

“We also had the months we tried to focus on getting Dutton’s endorsement, while he was spreading racist lies in the media, that I felt were too ridiculous to call out. But somehow, the racist liar didn’t want to join Yes. Looking back, we shouldn’t have waited those months for the former Queensland cop’s endorsement and instead focused on Shaq’s.”

“Don’t even get me started on the Kamahlmentum weekend.”


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