Meet the multi-millionaire in desperate need of an extra $300 from the government

One of the highest paid politicians in the world, Jim Chalmers has slammed the suggestion that the top 1% of earners don’t need a handout the same size as those in the bottom 60% designed to help with soaring energy bill prices, saying that the cost of living crisis affects all Australians.

While many may disagree with the treasurer’s use of taxpayer money, we spoke to local battler Richard Headison Esquire the 8th about why he is in desperate need of the $300:

Interviewer:

“What are your initial thoughts on people claiming that because you are a multi-millionaire, you don’t need the extra $300?”

Richard:

“It hurts that those people can be so out of touch with reality.”

“This time has been extremely challenging for people like myself. From the rising cost of helicopter fuel, to the markets raising the price of caviar, and not to mention the mental toll that comes from having to hear the help yap on about not being able to afford rent. It’s all too much sometimes.”

“But when I tell the unwashed class about these issues, they roll their little peasant eyes. I am really sick of this class warfare.”

Interviewer:

“So what does the money mean to you?”

Richard:

“It means so much, it is a life-changing amount of money. If you look at the winners and losers lists from the budget, I am considered a loser.”

“Sure I may be getting thousands more in tax cuts than the rest of you, plus my investments in fossil fuels is going to return massive dividends thanks to the governments new money for fossil fuels. But if you ignore all of that, I am really struggling under this budget and this $300 from whoever is stupid enough to actually pay tax, will help out a lot.”

Interviewer:

“What are you planning to do now that $300 of you energy bills will be covered by the government?”

Richard:

“There are many expenses that I will now have the ability to address easier, but I think the one that I will focus on is the real estate cost of having someone write up a rent increase on all of my tenants.”

“Normally I would need to wait a whole week to get back the money I spend on that, but now I can fund that straight away. Plus, the great news is that I know how much more money the renters have to spend.”

Interviewer:

“What are you hoping moving forward regarding the $300 handout and the discourse surrounding it?”

Richard:

“I have both a personal hope and a societal hope. My societal hope is that people begin to learn to have empathy for their fellow human beings, especially us struggling millionaires. We all have our peasant boys put our pants on for us, one leg at a time.”

“My personal hope is that by the end of this all, this money will mean I can finally buy that yacht I’ve been looking at. Finally, one each for me and the wife to race each other with.”