‘The real victims of alleged sexual assaults are the footy finals’ declares media 

After multiple Sydney Swans players were questioned by police over an alleged sexual assault, the nation’s media have spoken out in support for who they see as the victim: the footy finals.

“Our thoughts are with the footy ladder at this time,” said one presenter, “It’s sad that players could be involved in an alleged incident with a ladder like this.”

“Of course our sympathies don’t stop there. They are also with the coach who had to make the tough decision to not stand down the players involved and those players who tragically missed their flight due to police questioning and had to be driven back from Melbourne.”

“But most of all we want to commend the bravery of the Thesaurus, who helped us find words to use so we can avoid calling an alleged sexual assault what it is.”

“I’m sure there is someone else who should be mentioned, but I can’t think of anyone else… Oh wait… there is obviously a section of fans who want to feel heard and we do hear you. This is also really hard for the men online who have spent all day yelling at women for being upset by the news and coverage of the incident.”

The AFL have reportedly began drafting their fortnightly declaration that there is no cultural issue at the men’s league, but have had to re-write it after the Swans CEO took referring to the alleged sexual assault as just a ‘situation’ the players ‘found themselves in’.

The AFL’s statement will reportedly contain an apology to any gambling sponsor upset by the news.