Scientists update status of Australian Music Festivals from ‘endangered’ to ‘verging on extinction’


Concerned scientists have made a major declaration today, warning the Australian Music Festivals (which have sat on the endangered list for years) are now officially classified as ‘verging on extinction’ following a year of cancellations including Groovin’ the Moo and Splendour in the Grass.

“This could be catastrophic,” said one scientist, “the effects an extinction would be a major blow to the ecosystem. We simply have no way of knowing what impact it would have on independent Australian artists and the trust fund kids who are the only people left who can afford to go to these festivals.”

“A range of factors have gotten us to this point. From the cost of living crisis, to the lack of arts funding, the ever increasing cost of drugs at these events and most importantly the terrible line-ups that haven’t updated in 15 years.”

“In nature you need to adapt to survive, but there has been no sign of adaptation from Australian festivals for decades. We fear that without proper intervention the entire musical festival circuit could be gone before we know it.”

In response to the experts, the Australian Government has announced they will make good on their election promises to continue to hold press conferences about how much they love the arts. With funding to be directly allocated to buying a shirt for the Prime Minister featuring the name of whichever band comes up when his chief of staff googles ‘youth band Australia’.

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