News
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News
Abbott to fight Steggall with harsh ‘Stop the Manly Ferry’ policy
Backbench MP Tony Abbott has announced the key plank of his reelection campaign will be against boat people arriving in the seat’s main suburb of Manly.
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Man takes wages home: more pokies needed, says Premier
The NSW government has expressed concern following the release of a second report by the Productivity Commission which shows that a majority of employed people still spend their pay on luxury items such as food and clothing for their family.
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NASA discovers sign reading ‘fuck off, we’re full’ on earth-sized planets
“While we’re excited at the discovery of not just inhabitable planets but also extra-terrestrial life, we’re shocked and appalled at this blatant display of xenophobia”
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Labor commits to everyday blue-collar corruption if elected
“When it comes to corruption we like to keep it simple.”
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Pet snake decides to let owner live another day
Local pet python Carlos has decided to let his owner Trent Smith live another day.
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Bigamist to appear in every episode of ‘Married at First Sight’
“Sean’s unique life experiences will really add to the show,” said executive producer Aaron Jones, “as well as cutting down on camera and travel costs.” “Some people may argue his inclusion is an insult to the sanctity of marriage – and indeed the common good of all humanity – but hey, so is this whole…
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Man dies doing what he hated
A grumpy Queanbeyan man has passed away while double-checking the inventory log on a warehouse computer system. The man “died doing what he hated most.”
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Discovery of shallow grave ends 18-year search for Waldo
According to an unnamed source, the corpse was dressed in a faded, bloodstained red-and-white jumper, wearing round-rimmed glasses, and buried with a cane.
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Capitalist elites cave in to protesters: Global utopia to begin immediately
Copies of an internal report, titled ‘A simple solution to all the world’s problems,’ marked by the Secretariat of the G20 as ‘Never to be released,’ were distributed to journalists and over-joyed activists today.
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Lunch-break worker breaches ATM etiquette
“I don’t know how she was raised,” said disgruntled queuer Nick Mendes. “But I was always taught not to waste everyone’s lunch hour with on-screen account balances.”