General News

[Edition 83] New data from NASA’s Mars Rover Spirit has found no signs that the red planet has an extortionately priced retail market for bottled water and flavoured water variants. “This is the best evidence yet that life on Mars has considerably superior intelligence to humankind”, said NASA Director Stephen Peters.

[Edition 83] Temporary Haitian leader Yvon Neptune has dismissed speculation that the ousting of President Aristide will further plunge the troubled nation into unrest. “Maybe I’m a little biased, but I’ve just got a good feeling about this coup” said the new leader. “There’s a real buzz in the air, and only part of it…

[Edition 82] President Bush has denied going AWOL from the National Guard, and has instead revealed that he spent six months in 1972 on an unrelenting drug and alcohol bender. “I have previously been unable to give verification of my whereabouts during this time. And that’s because I was so off my dial, I don’t…

[Edition 80] “There’s no way something like that could happen,” scoffed leading UFOlogist Warren Murst. “The British are just so desperate to prove the inferiority of their space program, they faked this failure before NASA even had a chance to stuff up their Mars mission.”

A suburban homosexual has conceded that many of his best friends have a deep aversion to his sexuality.

[Edition 78] Before he began dieting, John McIntyre weighed a staggering 120kg. Now, after three months of careful dieting, he weighs a remarkable 119kg. And he’s a whole lot happier.

[Edition 76] BRISBANE, Tuesday The Make-A-Wish charity foundation has been thrown into turmoil by 17 year-old leukamia sufferer Matthew Burn’s wish that he be “painlessly killed”.

[Edition 76] GOSFORD, Sunday: Spectators were left stunned and there were calls forofficials to resign after this year’s “Air-Stravanganza” air show produced no spectacular fatalities.

[Edition 77] NEW YORK, Wednesday: The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has achieved an emphatic victory in its war against music piracy, with a $3000 out of court settlement against a 12 year old girl. The RIAA is ecstatic over the settlement and believes that, while there is still a long way to go,…