Bush finally accounts for lost time in National Guard: “I was drunk and high”

[Edition 82] President Bush has denied going AWOL from the National Guard, and has instead revealed that he spent six months in 1972 on an unrelenting drug and alcohol bender. “I have previously been unable to give verification of my whereabouts during this time. And that’s because I was so off my dial, I don’t really remember where I was. I never went off the base – in fact most of the time I was too paranoid to leave my room.”

[Edition 82] President Bush has denied going AWOL from the National Guard, and has instead revealed that he spent six months in 1972 on an unrelenting drug and alcohol bender. “I have previously been unable to give verification of my whereabouts during this time. And that’s because I was so off my dial, I don’t really remember where I was. I never went off the base – in fact most of the time I was too paranoid to leave my room.”

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said that staff were currently scouring the Presidents’ personal items for receipts and other records relating to his “missing time” in the National Guard. “We found an empty bottle of Jaegermeister in an old pair of Mr Bush’s pants, but it could have been from his college years, his period as a businessman, just about any time, really”, said McClelland. He also pointed out that it would be hard to provide some of the records supporting Bush’s claims, because “drug dealers rarely issue receipts.”

Democrats have dismissed these claims as White House spin. “If Mr Bush really was on a six month long bender, as he claims, where is the hard evidence?” asked Democratic National Committee Chair Terry McAuliffe. “I think my esteemed colleague Senator Kennedy has shown that substance abuse of the type Mr Bush is talking about isn’t possible without at least one fatality.”

Bush has also had trouble finding eyewitnesses who can corroborate his story. Gen. James Duffington, who was in charge of the base at the time in question, says his memory of Bush is “hazy”. “I don’t really remember much about George” said Duffington. “But then I spent most of our outings together concentrating on the strippers.