Lack of bottled water proves there’s intelligent life on Mars

[Edition 83] New data from NASA’s Mars Rover Spirit has found no signs that the red planet has an extortionately priced retail market for bottled water and flavoured water variants. “This is the best evidence yet that life on Mars has considerably superior intelligence to humankind”, said NASA Director Stephen Peters.

[Edition 83] New data from NASA’s Mars Rover “Spirit” has found no signs that the red planet has an extortionately priced retail market for bottled water and flavoured water variants. “This is the best evidence yet that life on Mars has considerably superior intelligence to humankind”, said NASA Director Stephen Peters.

“Finding water on Mars only proves that life there is possible,” Peters explained. “To prove the existence of a higher lifeform, we needed to show it has the ability to resist paying $2.00 or more for a simple compound like H20 when the same product is available from a tap for almost no charge.” Images from the Spirit Rover suggest Mars is yet to be ravaged by the bottled water menace.

Astrologers say that earth is the only known planet on which they have found water which has dubious additional properties like being “low joule” or, ironically, “anti-oxidant”. They are also yet to find evidence that flavoured water products, which taste like overly-diluted cordial, are liked anywhere in the universe, including on earth. The chances of finding aliens who like Sports Water are rated even lower than them liking the tune Blur wrote for the Beagle II mission.

While the search for bottled water on Mars continues, the evidence that water has existed on the red planet is having ramifications on earth. Pretentious restaurants which describe their tap water as “Melbourne tap” have are already now offering “Mars Tap”. Meanwhile Coca-Cola Amatil has also announced plans to take over an independent water producer on Mars, if any is ever found.