General News
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General News Zombie finds call centres workers mindlessHaving waited on hold for 40 minutes, reanimated corpse Trevor Fleck has slammed call centre workers across the nation, declaring them slack-jawed imitations of humanity with no reasoning power. 
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General News Entire magazine read in newsagencyDespite the clear presence of a sign informing customers it is “not a lending library”, an Erskineville newsagency was forced to remove a no-good freeloader last Tuesday afternoon, shining a light on a problem that newsagents are describing as a hidden epidemic. 
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General News Cross-dresser confounded by androgynous fashionMarried investment banker and secret transvestite Malcolm Penfold has declared himself “completely flummoxed” by recent sartorial trends. “How am I supposed to challenge socially constructed gender norms under these conditions?” 
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General News Man goes on trip of a lifetime to work out where to end itDe Rossi claims he first got the idea of killing himself from a helpful anonymous poster on one of his youtube videos. 
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General News Outsider artist angry at positive review from conservative critic“I suppose I’ll just have to be even more anarchic and confronting from now on.” 
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General News Report card accurately predicts child’s futureWestwood, who found his old report in a plastic crate while looking for a bottle of bourbon he had hidden from his wife, described the commentary as “eerily prescient”. 
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General News Mentally ill Carpet Court employee taken off pricing duties“We all assumed he was supposed to be there, since he was in costume,” said director Brad Pearen. “No-one realised Craig was in serious need of professional help.” 
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General News Creative anachronist would last five seconds in Middle AgesHistory enthusiast Brendan “Sir Lysander” Hanrahan, would likely be dead within moments of arriving in the middle ages, say experts. 
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General News Peter Andre happy to have songs illegally downloaded“Someone on youtube said the Mysterious Girl filmclip is ‘still da best!!!’. You can’t buy that kind of publicity”