General News
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General News
Zombie finds call centres workers mindless
Having waited on hold for 40 minutes, reanimated corpse Trevor Fleck has slammed call centre workers across the nation, declaring them slack-jawed imitations of humanity with no reasoning power.
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General News
Entire magazine read in newsagency
Despite the clear presence of a sign informing customers it is “not a lending library”, an Erskineville newsagency was forced to remove a no-good freeloader last Tuesday afternoon, shining a light on a problem that newsagents are describing as a hidden epidemic.
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General News
Cross-dresser confounded by androgynous fashion
Married investment banker and secret transvestite Malcolm Penfold has declared himself “completely flummoxed” by recent sartorial trends. “How am I supposed to challenge socially constructed gender norms under these conditions?”
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General News
Man goes on trip of a lifetime to work out where to end it
De Rossi claims he first got the idea of killing himself from a helpful anonymous poster on one of his youtube videos.
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General News
Outsider artist angry at positive review from conservative critic
“I suppose I’ll just have to be even more anarchic and confronting from now on.”
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General News
Report card accurately predicts child’s future
Westwood, who found his old report in a plastic crate while looking for a bottle of bourbon he had hidden from his wife, described the commentary as “eerily prescient”.
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General News
Mentally ill Carpet Court employee taken off pricing duties
“We all assumed he was supposed to be there, since he was in costume,” said director Brad Pearen. “No-one realised Craig was in serious need of professional help.”
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General News
Creative anachronist would last five seconds in Middle Ages
History enthusiast Brendan “Sir Lysander” Hanrahan, would likely be dead within moments of arriving in the middle ages, say experts.
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General News
Peter Andre happy to have songs illegally downloaded
“Someone on youtube said the Mysterious Girl filmclip is ‘still da best!!!’. You can’t buy that kind of publicity”