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Woman kneecapped after attempting tampon-onion swap in Woolies self-checkout

In a remarkable display of restraint by store security, a woman was only kneecapped after she attempted to pass off tampons as onions at a local Woolworth’s self-checkout earlier today. Woolworth’s security, often criticised for their heavy-handed tactics, are now being lauded for their measured and sensible response to her flagrant law-breaking.

A spokesperson for Woolworths described the incident as a win for customer service. “This woman scanned a box of tampons in as onions, which came to $2.71, when the price was, in fact $5.00. Usually when this happens, it’s time to start cracking open the body bags. The fact that she got away with a light kneecapping shows that our response was so moderate and reasonable that it can only be described as the epitome of customer service.”

Store security, recognizing the gravity of the situation, calmly approached the shopper and engaged in a polite conversation. They patiently explained the importance of accurate scanning and the potential consequences of mislabeling items. And then kneecapped her.

After the kneecapping, the shopper was even offered a bouquet of actual onions as a gesture of goodwill, in case her need for onions was a genuine mixup. The spokesperson said this showed Woolies care for its customers. “Supermarket staff went above and beyond, they even phoned 000 for her.”

Woolworth’s CEO Bradford Banducci released a statement praising the security team for their exceptional judgment and de-escalation skills. “We believe in second chances and open dialogue,” the statement read, “and we’re delighted that Karen left our store with a newfound appreciation for the importance of honesty in self-checkout.”

“This incident serves as a shining example of how supermarkets can handle such situations with grace and maturity. Perhaps other establishments will take note and heavy-handed tactics with light kneecappings. In a world full of knee-jerk reactions, it’s refreshing to see a supermarket take the high road and preserve our customer’s faith in humanity, if not their kneecaps.”

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