Tips for Scott Morrison on how the business world works

Former Prime Minister Scott Morrison has announced that he is leaving politics to focus on the world of business at a firm connected to AUKUS. And while we think that Scott Morrison is a natural at being a ‘complete wanker’, that is a very different skill set than being a ‘business wanker’.

A regular wanker can only get so far in business on natural wankerishness alone, somewhere around middle management. So here are some simple tricks Morrison can use as he goes from doing nothing in politics to ‘ideating on the possibility of actioning something in the future’ in the business world:

Instead of saying “That’s not my job” say “Let’s circle back to that at a later time”

Deflecting responsibility is as important to working in made up positions at big firms you aren’t qualified to hold as it is in politics. However, you can’t just say whether something is or isn’t your job, instead you just say you will circle back to it. This of course is always a major lie and everyone will know that you will never circle back to whatever topic you are avoiding, however saying it in this way gives you an excuse that maybe you will commit to circling back in say 3rd Quarter of 2050.

An example of it being used could be, “let’s circle back to discussions regarding the car parks we said we would install.”

Instead of saying “I don’t hold a hose”, say “Hose holding doesn’t align with my mission statement.”

Business is all about vague fake nonsense, which if you are Scott Morrison is what you are all about too. However there are a rare few concerning times when Morrison said direct statements like the hose comment. In situations like these it’s important to simply say that whatever it is you are not doing doesn’t align with your mission statement. This is a great excuse because it implies that you have values while referring to a document no one will ever actually read. 

A bonus about this technique is that if people say that hose holding should be a part of your statement, you can expense a work retreat to another country to consider potential revaluations of your mission statement while sipping cocktails on the beach.

Always trust HR to keep the interests of the business at the forefront.

Parliament House doesn’t have a HR department, so we understand the idea of a department like this might be scary to the Scott Morrison’s of the world. While the goal of a HR department is said to be to make the workplace safer for all employees, it is mainly just doing so to protect the public perception of the company and those in charge. They respond to workplace sexual harassment much in the same way as the Liberal Party, just with a bit more paperwork when talking about the ‘rule of law’.

HR Departments are essentially the Jenny Morrison of the business world. They act like they are advising you based on morals, but they just care about protecting the business and its reputation. Also you can shift all blame for failing to act internally onto them too.

Instead of yelling at someone asking questions, just say “As per my last email.”

There are far less journalists and press conferences in the world of business as there are in parliament, but you will still get questions to things you don’t particularly want to go over again. But since you won’t be face to face with many of the people who are infuriating you, instead you resort to using respectful sounding phrases that are jam packed with the aggression of someone who wants to rip someone else’s head off.

Another option is just ending an email with the term, ‘regards’ which translates roughly to ‘I don’t ever want to speak to you again’. For Scott Morrison, you may recognise this from the last email you received from the Prime Minister of France.

Speaking of “As per my last email”, if you want to learn how to survive in the world of business, check out Wankernomics 2.0: As Per My Last Email. Touring soon.

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