2004
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General News
Political cartoon fails to make sense on closer scrutiny
[Edition 89] According to Moir, it was the idea of Latham’s belly being a hill that probably confused things. “It was an idea I cooked up when Beazley was still leader, and it didn’t translate as well as I’d expected. I probably should have scrapped Latham and just drawn a hill marked ‘credibility’.”
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General News Archive
Downer sends negotiators to Baghdad to not negotiate with terrorists
[Edition 89] Foreign Minister Alexander Downer has responded to the possible seizure of Australian hostages by Islamic terrorists by sending hostage negotiators to Baghdad to carry out the government’s policy of not negotiating with terrorists.
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Sport Archive
Aussie cyclists silence critics with suspiciously strong Games performance
[Edition 89] “This amazing performance will silence all of those who’ve questioned whether we took illegal substances,” said one cyclist. “Now they’ll be in no doubt that we did.”
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Sport Archive
Al Qaeda planning token, feel-good attack on Paralympics
[Edition 89] “We normally leave attacks on people in wheelchairs to the Israelis, but it is for a good cause,” Al-Qaeda spokesman Khalid Sheikh Mohammed said. “We hope to inspire differently-abled people everywhere with the thought that despite their challenges, they too have the opportunity to be killed in a world-class terrorist attack.”
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General News
Man quits smoking his own cigarettes
High taxes have successfully dissuaded Darren from smoking his own durries.
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General News Archive
Michael Moore moves on to planning ban of his next movie
[Edition 87] Michael Moore says that he has put the media storm surrounding Fahrenheit 9/11 behind him, and is already working hard on the media storm surrounding his follow-up movie, which has the working title Preaching To The Converted IV.
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Sport Archive
IOC finds Al Qaeda more prepared for Olympics than Athens
[Edition 87] An investigation by the International Olympic Committee has discovered that the Athens organisers are lagging well behind the Al Qaeda network in preparing for the Games this August.
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General News Archive
Athens “ready to host 2008 Olympics”
We always expected that by May 2004 we’d be in a state of chaos and hopelessly behind, which is exactly where we are.
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General News
Miss World devastated by breakdown of world peace on her watch
[Edition 85] A heartbroken Miss World, Rosanna Lee Davison has apologised to her supporters and the judges who elected her for her inability to create world peace, despite her best efforts. As part of her commitment to world peace, Davison has undertaken a punishing schedule of modeling, attending parties and fulfilling cosmetics endorsement obligations, but…
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General News
‘Social smoker’ goes through two packs a day
[Edition 83] People who smoke up to 60 cigarettes a day can protect themselves from cancer by insisting they are only ‘social smokers’, a health study has found. “If you never buy cigarettes yourself, and only bum them off friends, you are 62 per cent less likely to suffer lung cancer and 45 per cent…