Al Qaeda planning token, feel-good attack on Paralympics

[Edition 89] “We normally leave attacks on people in wheelchairs to the Israelis, but it is for a good cause,” Al-Qaeda spokesman Khalid Sheikh Mohammed said. “We hope to inspire differently-abled people everywhere with the thought that despite their challenges, they too have the opportunity to be killed in a world-class terrorist attack.”

[Edition 89] Al-Qaeda has revealed it is planning an attack on the Opening Ceremony of the Athens Paralympic Games. Chatter picked up by the intelligence community suggests the attack will be carried out by a low level operative, as more high profile militants had long-standing bookings for other attacks.

“We normally leave attacks on people in wheelchairs to the Israelis, but it is for a good cause,” Al-Qaeda spokesman Khalid Sheikh Mohammed said. “We hope to inspire differently-abled people everywhere with the thought that despite their challenges, they too have the opportunity to be killed in a world-class terrorist attack.”

“Al-Qaeda is an equal opportunity terrorist organization,” he explained. “We don’t concentrate on the disability, we concentrate on the infidel.”

Mohammed said that the message of a Paralympics attack would be “dignity, inclusiveness and the establishment of a global Islamic super-state.”

While initially ambivalent, Paralympians have welcomed the prospective al-Qaeda attack. “With a terrible tragedy like this on the cards, we might even get some TV coverage,” one athlete said.

“Sure – a suicide attack on the Opening Ceremony will kill thousands of innocent civilians. But look on the bright side – they might take out Bono.”

Greek Olympics organizers say that the threats have put them in a state of total panic. “Until now, it had totally slipped our mind that we were also hosting the Paralympics,” said one grateful official.