“Unprecedented”: Old white man faces consequences for his actions

A shocking precedent has been set in America after former US President and bankruptcy enthusiast Donald J Trump was found guilty of the crimes he committed.

This ruling has left many legal experts stunned as it completely changes the very basis of the US justice system by actually holding a powerful old white man accountable for his actions.

“This is not how our system is meant to work,” said Trump’s legal team, “this is the sort of man who is supposed to get away with crimes, not go to jail. What sort of dangerous message does this send to all the other powerful white collar criminals who are looking on at home coked out of their minds?”

“I mean not only was he president of this great nation, he was also in Home Alone 2! Is nothing sacred anymore?”

Donald Trump has told reporters he plans to appeal the ruling by taking it to the “highest court of the land”: Judge Judy.

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