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An Angry Middle-Aged Man’s Guide to Greta Thunberg
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Are you angry at Greta Thunberg? Do you find yourself enraged that a 16 year old girl would have the temerity to ask adults to listen to the science? This guide is for you.

We’ve compiled a list of ways to cope with the complex range of emotions you’re currently feeling.

Middle aged men tend to have a wide range of emotions, from anger to all the way to rage. Such range!

This is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Rage is a great way to keep yourself getting up in the morning, pushing through that deep sadness at your own failings in life.

Here are some quick methods to keep yourself in a constant state of anger, to avoid ever having to confront your inner despair that you’ll never achieve a modicum of what Greta has already achieved.

STEP ONE: “It’s not me, it’s her.”

Remember — you have no control over your own feelings. They are solely in the hands of a girl half way around the globe who you’ve never met. Greta is the one causing you to feel this way. Not you.

STEP TWO: Find an outlet

If you’re trapped in a cage of your own emotions, the rest of the world needs to know. What you need is a unfiltered, unmediated space, where your most embarrassing outbursts go direct to thousands of other people instantly. We recommend Twitter, as you’re likely to find other like-minded people there who will pick a fight with you — even if it’s just over a typo. But Facebook, Reddit and 4Chan are also great places to have your rage instantly validated.

STEP THREE: Don’t forgive your triggers

Finally, always remember, it’s not just Greta that makes you feel this way. Your job, your partner, even your kids probably trigger feelings of self-loathing, resentment, jealous and plain old fury. While Greta is the focus, make sure you still leave enough room in your rage for all the other triggers. Remember — they’ll stick around long after Greta has been assassinated.

KEEP FOCUSED

Remember, the ultimate goal is to reach a point of burnout that your rage overtakes your whole personality, and you end up with as an anchor on Sky News After Dark. Keep your eye on the prize.

If you’re struggling to keep focussed, call the Greta Thunberg Helpline:


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