Albanese calls for an immediate end to the Mesopotamian War of 2700 BC

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has released a statement today demanding an immediate ceasefire and end to the Mesopotamian Wars fought between Sumer and Elam in 2700 BC.

Facing mounting criticism for his delayed response to the conflict, the Prime Minister said he’d decided to speak out as soon as everyone else in the world had already spoken out. “Personally I was in favour of waiting until more evidence comes in, but when it comes to war, people suffer, so we decided that we’d announce something only 5700 years too late.”

Labor strategists have praised the Prime Minister for his “calm, methodical” approach to international conflicts. “This is what it’s like to have adults in the room. We don’t jump at shadows, instead, we wait until all the shadows and their babies have died, and then we comment.”

Albanese was strident in his call for a ceasefire, despite earlier siding with Ninurta, patron god of Lagash, who had vowed to smite Shara from the earth.

“The main thing is we did the bare minimum long after it was most needed,” he said. “But enough about our housing policy.”

Reporters then asked Albanese whether he is simply too slow to react to major unfolding atrocities, but he responded that he’d respond to that question late next year.

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