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National
Refugees freed after biting left-wing satire
All refugees on Manus Island will immediately be re-settled in Australia after a particularly scathing and powerful left wing satirical piece appeared on The Shovel website last night. Immigration Minister Peter Dutton made the decision after hearing that several people had re-tweeted the piece, which was a scathing indictment of both sides of politics. “That satire broke me,” Mr Dutton said.…
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General News
Woman swallows medicine ball: just gets sicker
A Melbourne woman has questioned the medicinal qualities of 5kg leather balls after demonstrating that, when ingested, they do not to improve patient health. Katrina Tsun, 24, swallowed a whole medicine ball on Friday night in the hope it would ease her stomach ache. “To be honest, it just made me feel worse,” the disappointed…
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Entertainment Archive
Dan Brown asks plagiarism accusers if they’ve got any ideas for a sequel
Da Vinci Code novelist Dan Brown has asked the writers of Holy Blood, Holy Grail whether they have any other far-fetched conspiracy theories that could be used for the sequel to his best-selling novel. “I’m looking for something involving the pyramids, the Masons, and the UN, but I’ll rip off any half-baked conspiracy theory I…
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World Archive
Japanese whalers defend Greenpeace collision “for research purposes”
The captain of the Japanese whaling ship, Nisshin Maru, has defended his actions during a collision with the Greenpeace-owned vessel, Arctic Sunrise as being undertaken “purely for research purposes” as part of an ongoing program to establish whether a more institutionalised cull of activitists may be needed.
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Sport
Socceroos finalise World Cup preparations: will watch at beach resort
The Australian team are nearing readiness for the upcoming football World Cup, with most of the players having already completed their preparations to spend June 2006 at a luxury resort. The team only needs to dispense with the formality of a series loss to Uruguay before team management can book the trip to Fiji.
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General News
Pope Benedict 16 complains getting a papal name is harder than Hotmail
“It’s hard to stand out from the pack when you’re one of sixteen guys with the same name,” the Holy Father said. “Centuries from now no-one will even remember which Benedict I was. Jesus never had this problem.”
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General News Archive
Howard slams Reserve Bank for breaking interest rate election promise
The PM slammed the RBA for winning a fourth term in control of Australia’s monetary policy by pandering to voters with the slogan “Keeping interest rates low”, and then brazenly going back on its promise only a few short months after its election victory.
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General News Archive
Queen pays for Charles & Camilla’s honeymoon: books driving tour of Paris
The Queen of England has endorsed Prince Charles’ plans to wed Camilla Parker-Bowles, saying she would treat Camilla “like any other daughter-in-law”. The palace confirmed that in accordance with tradition the Queen would drive Charles’ new wife out of the family, preferably to an early death in a Paris tunnel.
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Sport Archive
Aussie cyclists silence critics with suspiciously strong Games performance
[Edition 89] “This amazing performance will silence all of those who’ve questioned whether we took illegal substances,” said one cyclist. “Now they’ll be in no doubt that we did.”
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Sport Archive
IOC finds Al Qaeda more prepared for Olympics than Athens
[Edition 87] An investigation by the International Olympic Committee has discovered that the Athens organisers are lagging well behind the Al Qaeda network in preparing for the Games this August.