Ben Cousins joins tabloid news station citing vast experience with stalking

Former AFL star and convicted criminal Ben Cousins has found a new job at 7 News this week, with the tabloid station  saying that they were excited to have someone with as much expertise in stalking as he does.

“When we saw his violent criminal record, we knew he would be a perfect fit here at 7 News.” said one executive after signing off on their daily story claiming that ‘allegations’ ruin men’s life forever. “His resume of crimes was just outstanding!”

“We believe in forgiveness and rehabilitation here at Channel 7, except when it comes to women and people of colour, they can’t be trusted.”

“But for rich white men who have committed violent crimes, they all deserve a second, third, or maybe even a fifth chance at a high paying tv job.”

“He has that go-getter attitude we love to see in a reporter, he won’t let anything like the law, ethics or restraining orders get in the way of what he is chasing. We can’t wait to see what he can do with our resources behind him!”