“Why would we count queer people on the census?” asks rich, university educated, cis, straight, white, non-disabled man

The Australian Government has responded to outrage that queer people won’t be included on its census by holding a press conference with man who’s never been discriminated against, Anthony Albanese.

“I’m afraid I really don’t understand the problem here, surely the gays just want to be treated like everyone else? We shouldn’t single them out on the census by finding out what percentage of our population are gay.”

“I don’t think you all understand, the census is so we can notice important trends in our populations like what groups of people are being affected by rising cost of living, which groups need extra healthcare or community support and which groups are at high risk of serious mental health issues like dysphoria and suicide. It’s so we can provide support to the communities that really need it, like landlords and mining billionaires.”

“I thought all this was sorted anyway, I mean we gave the gays the ability to get married. Sure some may say the ABS released a statement saying they regret not including queer people in the last census and the damage that may have caused. But I wouldn’t know because unlike you all, I just don’t see sexuality or race.”

The Australian Bureau of Statistics has confirmed that mining billionaire specific questions will be included in the 2026 census.