[Edition 57] MELBOURNE, Tuesday: Australia’s mental institutions have achieved an almost 100% success rate in their program to reintegrate its patients back into the homeless community. The news comes as a relief to psychiatric support groups who were concerned about the effect increased funding cuts were having on psychiatric care.

“With relatively little assistance, most patients have fitted in with the vagrant population that wanders the city,” said Kenmore mental institution CEO Jennifer Carson.

Carson claims that the speed with which mental patients can be returned to the streets is a consequence of years of de-institutionalisation.

“We now have so many former patients on the street that new patients really get a leg up in the homeless community,” said Carson. “Finding the right doorways and soup kitchens on their own can be hard for mental retards.”

The government has pointed to the new figures in response to attacks against their policies which have seen beds in mental institutions fall by 60% in the last ten years.

“The streets are preferable because they are cheaper,” said Health Minister Kay Paterson. “But don’t worry, the patients still receive the same abuse and neglect that they experienced in mental institutions.”