Labor polling so dire they resort to announcing actually decent policies

The Labor Party has reached a crisis point as polling ahead of the upcoming election suggests they may lose, meaning they have been forced to pull out their last resort: policies that are actually pretty decent.

This follows an announcement to invest in women’s health and invest in boosting bulk billing, two things that are incredibly popular ideas that they could have done at any point in the last three years, but kept in their back pocket in case of an emergency.

“I never thought it would come to this,” said a desperate Albanese, “I just found a renter for my new house so I can’t lose this election. We will have to take this to the extreme of actually having a plan.”

“People wanted change and we listened to that, well we said we did 3 years ago, but now that Dutton hasn’t fucked off to Hawaii, we actually mean it this time.”

Labor insiders told reporters that if things get any worse, the next time Albo rattles off the story about living with his single mum on disability payments, he might actually announce policies that would lift those in that situation now out of poverty.