Alarm level stepped up as a man-version of the coronavirus emerges

Sales of man-sized tissue paper have skyrocketed today as men stockpiled supplies for the inevitable outbreak of man-Covid19, described by scientists as 2-8 times worse than the regular flu symptoms that occur with coronavirus.

“Oh man I can’t get out of bed, I feel terrible,” said one sufferer, while his equally infected partner did housework while occasionally sniffling. “Why oh why did I take breathing through my nose for granted all these years.”

A quick ad

The government has today moved to step up its response to the new strain of the virus, moving the health alert to category one, requiring an all-hands approach from the government. However, this all-hands approach immediately backfired, with everyone in the government immediately coming down with the man-flu after one of the hands was not washed properly, leading many to suggest that the government probably should think about hiring a few women in senior roles.

However, doctors have since confirmed that in fact the man strain is just the same as the regular strain of Covid-19 and that all the guys were just being big sooks. “I don’t know what the problem is, they’re genetically identical” said one female scientist observing the virus through a microscope, “my colleague here would confirm that finding, if he weren’t currently baracading himself into a fort made of toilet paper.”

UPDATE: It has since been revealed that the man who claimed to be suffering from man-coronavirus was in fact just horribly hungover, having drunk too many Corona beers the night before

The Chaser