Alarm level stepped up as a man-version of the coronavirus emerges

Sales of man-sized tissue paper have skyrocketed today as men stockpiled supplies for the inevitable outbreak of man-Covid19, described by scientists as 2-8 times worse than the regular flu symptoms that occur with coronavirus. “Oh man I can’t get out of bed, I feel terrible,” said one sufferer, while his equally infected partner did housework while occasionally sniffling. “Why oh why did I take breathing through my nose for granted all these years.” The government has today moved to step up its response to the new strain of the virus, moving the health alert to category one, requiring an all-hands approach from the government. However, this all-hands approach immediately backfired, with everyone in the government immediately coming down with the man-flu after one of the hands was not washed properly, leading many to suggest that the government probably should think about hiring a few women in senior roles. However, doctors have since confirmed that in fact the man strain is just the same as the regular strain of Covid-19 and that all the guys were just being big sooks. “I don’t know what the problem is, they’re genetically identical” said one female scientist observing the virus through a microscope, “my colleague here would confirm that finding, if he weren’t currently baracading himself into a fort made of toilet paper.” UPDATE: It has since been revealed that the man who claimed to be suffering from man-coronavirus was in fact just horribly hungover, having drunk too many Corona beers the night before

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