The Speaker of the House of Representatives has today confirmed the three baboons that recently escaped captivity have been successfully recaptured and returned to their offices at Parliament House.
The primates, consisting of two frontbenchers and a long-serving backbencher, got loose two days ago, during the midst of a particularly tedious session of Question Time. “It was only a matter of time,” one of the baboons’ handlers told the Chaser. “They get very agitated whenever parliament sits, especially when forced to listen to endless, content-free responses to Dorothy Dixers. You can see the twitches on their faces every time the words ‘Mr. Speaker’ are uttered. Unfortunately, Morrison was called up to the dispatch box a lot that day, and he one of the world’s foremost experts in talking for a very long time without saying anything of substance.”
The baboons were eventually found in the parking lot of a nearby hospital, where they were harassing staff and patients. “It was terrifying,” said one witness, “They wouldn’t leave us alone. They kept pestering us to put corflutes in our front-yard and thrusting how-to-vote cards in our hands. Anytime I asked them a question, they refused to give a straight answer, just kept repeating the same canned response again and again.” Eventually, animal control managed to lure the apes away by pretending to be representatives from a marginal electorate sports club, at which point they were restrained and sedated.
The handlers have told the Chaser that the animals are doing well, and are already back to work on various policy committees.
The Chaser Quarterly