News In Brief

[Edition 77] The SARS virus had a brief stop-over at Singapore yesterday, spending two hours shopping for duty-free digital cameras and watching a television in the departure lounge. The virus had originally considered a two-night stay in the city state, but decided to hurry on to Madrid instead.

[Edition 77] SARS virus enters Singapore, hangs around airport for two hours before continuing on to Europe

The SARS virus had a brief stop-over at Singapore yesterday, spending two hours shopping for duty-free digital cameras and watching a television in the departure lounge. The virus had originally considered a two-night stay in the city state, but decided to hurry on to Madrid instead.

Uranus “closer than it’s ever been”: says little brother

On the occasion of Mars making its closest approach to Earth in 70,000 years, Tim Fitzgerald’s younger brother Greg took the opportunity to make endless, predictable puns involving the name of the planet Uranus. “Did you know how close Uranus is?” he began late yesterday. “Uranus is really big at the moment”, he giggled shortly after breakfast. “You can even see Uranus without a telescope!” His hysterics became unbearable upon learning later in the day that Uranus is a ‘gas giant’.

Audience at in-store appearance consists mainly of staff members

An appearance at the Civic branch of Grace Bros, Canberra by country-star Lee Kernigan drew a small crew of Grace Bros employees, witnesses said. Kernigan was welcomed by an embarrassed by store manager Tim Brears, and then spent the remainder of the afternoon sitting next to a cardboard cut-out of himself, waiting for autograph requests.

Holt Inquiry releases verdict “Holt May Be Dead”

After months of deliberation, the re-opened coronial inquiry into the death of Prime Minster Harold Holt has returned an open verdict. In his report, the Coroner said that he believed Mr Holt “may be deceased.”

Dr Who fans mark 40 years of forced celibacy

Dr Who fans have congregated at London’s last police telephone box to mark the show’s anniversary, and their own lasting period of forced abstinence. Many came dressed as Daleks and Cybermen, ensuring that any members of the opposite sex they encountered would not engage in coitus with them.