Dannii Minogue diagnosed with fake breast cancer

Hot on the heels of big sister Kylie Minogue’s diagnosis of breast cancer, little sister Dannii has released her own artificial form of breast cancer upon a largely uninterested public. While Dannii’s breast tumour is far larger than Kylie’s, rumours are rife that it may be entirely made of silicone.

Hot on the heels of big sister Kylie Minogue’s diagnosis of breast cancer, little sister Dannii has released her own artificial form of breast cancer upon a largely uninterested public. While Dannii’s breast tumour is far larger than Kylie’s, rumours are rife that it may be entirely made of silicone.

Dannii’s cancer, or as she prefers it to be known, her ‘canncc’, has forced her to reschedule all immediate engagements. “It’s very disappointing,” Dannii told reporters, “I had a really busy schedule planned over the next few weeks of failed dance singles and sex with minor British celebrities. But hopefully I’ll soon be back to my best in a pantomime near you.”

Experts rate Danni’s chance of a full recovery at 70%, but her chances of a full career recovery remain at 0.2%.

The cancer was discovered at its earliest stages, a diagnosis doctors described as very difficult. “It was one of the hardest examinations I have ever performed,” said one doctor. “Ms Minogue is physically incapable of taking her top off without simulating sex with three raunchy black dancers. It made the mammogram a nightmare.”

She is expected to undergo surgery within weeks. “I don’t really find it very daunting,” she said. “I’m used to surgeons messing with my breasts.”

Dannii made an emotional appeal today for the paparazzi to respect her family’s privacy. “Please leave my family alone during this delicate time. And focus on me for once. Please.”

It has been a devastating week for the Minogue family, in which they have not only had to cope with the news of Kylie’s cancer but with the far worse news that Dannii will be releasing another album.