Television legend Bert Newton’s unseemly descent into mediocrity has led to calls for him to be allowed to prematurely his life and career with dignity. “It simply isn’t right,” said euthanasia advocate Jane Fitzgerald. “After a glorious career, he wouldn’t want to be remembered this way.”
“If it was his decision, fine. But the show’s being artificially kept alive by Channel Nine,” said Fitzgerald. “The viewers have shown us the way with their televisions – it’s time we switched the machine off.”
Compassionate doctors have already begun wiring up a death machine for Bert’s Family Feud, designed to gently kill it off via the lethal injection of half-hour M.A.S.H. repeats into Nine’s 5.30pm slot.
But others have pleaded for further consideration. “Bert shouldn’t be allowed to make a decision like this when he’s depressed,” said a long-time Newton supporter. “I expect his family would be placing a lot of pressure on him right now to end it all. And you can’t blame them – they must be so embarrassed.”
“But Bert simply isn’t in the right frame of mind to make such a weighty decision. The proof that he’s not at his full faculties is that he left GMA to do the show in the first place.”
Trying to draw some positives from the imminent death – or at least axing – of their idol, Bert’s fans have expressed their belief that if the idol does depart this life, he will at least be reunited with his real hair.