Celebrity Advice: King Charles III

“I’m struggling with mould in the apartment I’m renting, what can I do?” – Mel (22)

Charles: “Oh dear oh dear, mould is a positively terrible thing to have in one’s home, almost as dirty as renting a house to live in. No no no, I recommend you immediately cease these bad habits and purchase a nice affordable home in a nice area. Somewhere like Toorak or Brighton. We had some mould you know in Windsor, one of the staff told me, so I said “Well if you would be so terribly kind as to remove the mould I’ll just wait here” But then I had to go to an event for the poors and it was all sorted when I got back.”

“How do you deal with family drama?” – Meghan (43)

Charles: “Oh ho ho, family drama indeed my girl! I have had my share of it of course as everyone well knows. I think it’s important to stay the course, even if it makes people uncomfortable. Drama is a bit like the wet dog smell in a hunting cravat, you can’t just stuff it away or leave it by the fire. You’ve got to expose it in the open air so the smell has somewhere to go. In the end it’s like I always say. ‘It doesn’t matter if people don’t like me, I’m the king!'”

“How do I choose a name for my new baby?” – Sid (27)

Charles: “Choosing a name for a baby is an incredibly important thing old chap! What you have to do is choose 3 names that are relatives of yours and then just string them together like Charles Philip Arthur George. You only end up using the first one anyway. You’ll want to make sure it’s a name that your royal advisors tell you is okay, people tend to get a bit upset when you don’t follow the protocols, just ask my wife or any of my sons!”

“What do you think of Australia becoming a republic?” – Sandy (44)

Charles: “Republic? Isn’t that a beach in Greece? Take holidays as you like my friends. It’s good for you to get out in the open air! I found the Scottish highlands to be wonderful for my health and air, and it’s so quaint to see how the peasantry live. I used to enjoy all sorts of places that I don’t go to anymore for some reason like India and Ireland.”