National Archive
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National Archive
Ellen hired by Australian Parliament as Workplace-Culture Coordinator
“You get workplace abuse! You get workplace abuse! Everybody gets workplace abuse!”
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National Archive
Orkopoulos pleads, “respect my 30 presumptions of innocence”
“I do not want to be subjected to trial by media, in fact I’m quite keen to avoid a trial of any sort.”
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National Archive
Beaconsfield miners face media contingent, ask to be buried again
Miners Brant Webb and Todd Russell have asked to be returned to their cage a kilometre underground after facing the media scrum waiting for them in Beaconsfield. The pair say that being trapped without solid food for another 320 hours is less painful a prospect than an interview with Naomi Robson. “And meeting the Today…
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National Archive
Singapore braces itself for onslaught of stern disapproval from Australians
The Singaporean government has resigned itself to receiving futile condemnation from trendy, Australian left-wingers for at least one news cycle, following its execution of Australian drug trafficker Nguyen Tuong Van. The Singaporean Foreign Minister has warned citizens they will be the subject of lengthy dinner party critiques, motions of censure from university student councils and as…
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National Archive
Budget woos Labor’s core: huge handouts for deceased voters
[Edition 40] CANBERRA, Thursday: The Federal Government revealed its re-election strategy with a budget aimed at winning back support from older Australians. In his Budget Address, Treasurer Peter Costello announced the government?s plan to make a “special one-off payment for each Australian pensioner in a beautifully presented vintage biscuit tin containing $300 worth of $1…
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National Archive
JAMIE PACKER COMPLETELY IGNORANT: Also didn’t know truth about One.Tel
[Edition 40] SYDNEY, Monday: Jamie Packer’s lawyers today claimed that Jamie was totally ignorant. “I’d even go so far as to call him a fool,” said one. Later when asked about Packer’s role in the collapse of One.Tel they said they hadn’t talked to him about it yet. A spokesperson for ASIC said that the…
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National Archive
Howard cuts beer price to get voters drunk enough to re-elect him
[Edition 35] CANBERRA, Tuesday: Prime Minister John Howard has agreed to cut the excise on beer, in the hope cheaper drinks will help get the country drunk enough to vote for him.
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National Archive
Shock discovery: Australian Democrats revealed as student hoax
[Edition 30] On Foundation Day at Adelaide University in 1977, a secretive group of students hatched a plan to play the greatest prank in the history of Australian politics. Today, all was revealed in a packed press conference when after more than 20 years in hiding, Jason Ho, Anne Eastlight and Michael Riley finally explained…
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National Archive
Beazley says Defence Bill ‘Really useful in quelling incredibly violent Olympics’
[Edition 29] CANBERRA, Wednesday: The Opposition leader Mr Kim Beazley has expressed his enormous relief at Labor’s role in rushing through the Defence Legislation Amendment Act just days before the Olympics. Mr Beazley claimed that the bill, which allows troops to fire on civilians in certain disputes, was “the only thing that saved us from…
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National Archive
A few more years of civilised brutality will advantage Aborigines: Ruddock
[Edition 29] CANBERRA, Tuesday: The Minister for Reconciliation Philip Ruddock has defended his comments to French newspaper Le Monde claiming that Aborigines were disadvantaged because they were late in coming into contact with developed civilisations. “Aborigines have had just over 200 years of contact with real civilisation,” Ruddock claimed. “They are yet to fully know…