“You can’t expect us to pay a bit more for workers,” says company charging drastically more for groceries

Woolworths have slammed their employees for wanting a safe work environment and a small pay rise, with the company that has ruined an entire economy by making basic groceries unaffordable, saying it’s unfair to expect the company to pay more for what they need.

“These demands are ridiculous,” said Woolworths’ CEO, “we want customers having an easy shopping experience to match the luxury prices they pay for bread and milk. But now we can’t because these greedy workers don’t want to risk their lives to stack shelves.”

“The protesters are concerned about worker safety, but what about the safety of executive bonuses?”

“If we say they can use heavy machinery at a safe speed or pay them enough to be able to afford the food we sell; imagine the impact that will have on my ability to restock the caviar fridge on my yacht.”

“These workers can not just walk out of the job, the only time a walk out is ever appropriate is when a journalist wont take something off the record. Actually, can you scrap that last part? Fine, I’m done here.”