Woolworths announces public executions for holiday season shoplifters

Australia’s number one grocery prison has announced a brand new policy stating that loss prevention officers will be granted license to shoot any suspected shoplifter on sight.

“Do you think this is a fucking joke?” sprayed a nameless executive wearing a balaclava at a press conference.

“We put in the security gates, the guards, the cameras everywhere and even fitted our creepy cleaning robots with lasers, and we’re still seeing a small amount of people who are doing the wrong thing, it’s not on!”

Woolworths have also announced 9 cents a litre fuel discount as a reward for any information leading to the capture of a shoplifter this holiday season. “This Christmas, snitches get the riches,” said the masked executive.

“Woolworths needs to be treated with the respect a corporate giant deserves,” he said, as he gently patted a baseball bat in his hands. “What we did to Australian farmers we can do to you. Don’t tempt me.” 

“Our new partially trained loss prevention officers didn’t have the skills to be full police officers, so we’ve given them jobs as a private militia. They are authorised to use lethal force in any situation where they believe someone is taking our overpriced, invisibly shrunk products without paying above full price.” 

The new security comes in the wake of a successful strike from a Coles Brand MQ9 reaper drone which neutralised a customer who allegedly stole a red seedless grape.

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