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Coles launches drone strike against shopper who didn’t pay for grape

Chaos has erupted in a western Sydney shopping centre as Coles successfully deployed its new loss prevention drone caught its first shoplifter by firing a laser guided hellfire missile from 35,000ft away. Coles has released a statement and a detailed plan to re-build the store and surrounding area.

“The drones onboard AI detected that an item, in this case a red seedless grape, was taken from the location without paying and acted in accordance with its programming.”

“We acknowledge that most Coles customers do the right thing, but unfortunately we are seeing an increase in shoplifting and we owe it to ourselves to prevent people stealing food to survive.”

“We’re happy to report that the drone has instantly reduced shoplifting in the area to 0% and we plan to start rebuilding next week.”

The use of MQ9 reaper drones has sparked mixed responses from customers, with some calling the decision “a welcome change”.

“You used to see young people in hoodies and foreigners all through Coles but now they’re nowhere to be found! I feel safer already” said John, a pensioner who formerly lived a few streets away. “Coles have already reached out and offered me 600 bonus Flybuys points and 8 cents a litre of fuel! That’ll help with relocating.”

Others said the drone strikes did not go far enough. “This is way less heavy handed than what Woolworths are doing. Coles need to catch up,” said Macy, another customer who regularly shopped at the Coles in question until it was destroyed.

Woolworths group have also released a statement saying they were trialing similar loss prevention protocols, including arming the cleaning robots with tasers and hand to hand combat training for staff.

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