“Mission accomplished”: Trump gets Epstein list off front page

Military action from the US against Iran has achieved its primary goal of overshadowing the latest revelations from the Epstein files including reports that the DOJ hid evidence regarding President Trump.

“Mission accomplished,” declared president Trump, “the threat of reporting on the files has been pre-emptively eliminated.”

“As a bonus we have also killed the brutal dictator from Iran, liberating the country and it’s oil. I mean people.”

“Tragically some Americans will die in the process of protecting those at home, in the files, but that is a sacrifice myself and Netanyahu are willing to make.”

Meanwhile Greenland has begun preparations in case the UK decides to team up with the US to distract from former-prince Andrew’s arrest.