Trump weighs up which country to bomb to distract from Epstein files

US President and man with definitely nothing to hide Donald Trump is reportedly weighing up what country to bomb in the latest attempt to get everyone to move on from that whole ‘friendship with a paedophile’ thing.

Trump has faced increased backlash over backtracking on his promise to release more files relating to notorious paedophile Jeffrey Epstein, in a move that wouldn’t have had anything to do with reports he was told he appeared in said files.

The unrelenting news coverage of the Epstein files has forced the President to consider places to bomb in order to shift the news cycle, with candidates reportedly including Iran (again), Greenland and “wherever the CNN head office is.”

According to insiders, Trump believes bombing something is now his only hope of sufficiently distracting his base, unless a transgender athlete wins an obscure sporting event ASAP.