2000
-
General News
Drug market captured by new ‘stronger’ placebo
[Edition 27] FLORIDA, Thursday: Drug company Pfizer, well known for its impotence drug Viagra, has again captured the US drug market with the release of its new ‘double strength’ placebo. Pfizer claims its new placebo contains twice as many inert and inactive ingredients as normal placebos. They claim that the psychophysiological effects of its new…
-
General News Archive
Gays announce hijack of new words
[Edition 27] SYDNEY, Friday: In a move confirming the worst fears of conservatives, representatives of the gay community today announced a list of words they intend to hijack over the next five years. Among the terms slated for hijack are ‘happy’ – which will mean passive recipient of anal intercourse from the beginning of financial…
-
Sport
Terrorists plan to steal medical grade plutonium: ‘Could cure the fuck out of thousands’
[Edition 27] LUCAS HEIGHTS, Friday: Nuclear experts are attempting to work out what terrorists in New Zealand were planning to do if they had successfully broken into the Lucas Heights nuclear compound.
-
General News Archive
Obituary: Vladimir Putin 1953 – 2000, Former President of Russia
[Edition 27] Putin was not a quintessential Russian politician (his official biography at the Kremlin web-site, for example, lists him as being a “moderate drinker”), though as a young man he was spotted early on for his ability to blend in, not make waves and take minutes without engendering controversy.
-
World Archive
Putin copies Clinton: dead seamen stains reputation
[Edition 26] MOSCOW, Tuesday: Russian naval authorities today faced staunch criticism, and the anger of a nation gripped by tragedy, as they conceded that all 118 Russian submariners trapped in the nuclear submarine, the Kursk, had died. Naval authorities, and their technical advisor, teen idol and pop singer Britney Spears, blamed poor weather, and the…
-
National Archive
Elaine Nile retires citing victory in “War on Masturbation”
[Edition 26] SYDNEY, Tuesday: There were emotional displays and many tributes paid today as Elaine Nile, Christian Democrat MP of 12 years standing, announced her retirement from the Parliament. Ms Nile blamed smokers in Parliament House, the long hours demanded of politicians and her recent successes in the Christian Democrats’ “war on masturbation” as contributing…
-
World Archive
CONCORDE BREAKS HOTEL BARRIER: Airport to hotel in under 2 mins
[Edition 26] PARIS, Tuesday: The Manager of the Hotelissimo Hotel today claimed that he made it perfectly clear to Air France that he did not have enough room for the 109 passengers on the Concorde. Speaking at a press conference, Mr Pierre Simenon claimed that the wholesale destruction of his hotel is entirely Air France’s…
-
National Archive
IVF DEBATE: Federal Government tells lesbians: “Get fucked”
[Edition 26] MELBOURNE, Monday: The Federal Court decision to allow single women and lesbians to use infertility treatment in Victoria has been attacked by the Federal Government, the Catholic Church and by pro-family community groups. The Minister for Health, Mr Michael Wooldridge said that “socially infertile” women would not be entitled to Medicare coverage of…
-
World Archive
‘Kids forced back to stealing CD’s from music stores if Napster closes’
[Edition 26] LOS ANGELES, Monday: A US court has heard that music crime will be forced back into the music stores if Napster is shut down. Napster, a program which allows people to download computer files (MP3s) of musicians’ work without paying either artists or record companies, was held by a US court at first…
-
World
Camp David peace talks stall as Israeli delegation refuses to cede jacuzzi
[Edition 25] THURMONT, Friday: The historic Middle East peace talks taking place at the US President’s Maryland retreat, Camp David, stalled yesterday over the often controversial issue of waterways. The deadlock came after the Israeli delegation refused to cede the Camp David jacuzzi to the Palestinian delegation following a hard day’s negotiation.