Trump threatens Turkey with withdrawal of Thanksgiving pardons

Golfer and part time President of the United States Donald Trump has today taken to twitter to threaten the “complete and utter destruction” of Turkey should they in any way retaliate following the US’s withdrawal from Syria. Explaining that he would use his 250 point IQ to devise “the bestest possible plan to undermine Turkey’s econmy,” [sic] Trump explained that he would begin by placing tariffs on all cranberry sauce and gravy exports, the “staple foods of Turkeys everywhere”. “If Turkey does anything off limits,” Trump tweeted, “I will no longer pardon a single one of their people on Thanksgiving, and I will also be banning the sale of their bourbon, refreshing as it may be.” However, the statement has been immediately met with condemnation from critics of the Trump administration, with many questioning whether he even knows what Turkey is. Trump has hit back at these claims, stating that he had met many people from Turkey and every single one of them was delicious. “You know, many people, they say to me Donald, and you know I let them because it’s true, and many people will tell you that, and they say it to me, and you know they know a thing or two because they’re experts, real experts not like these phoney Harvard types,” explained Trump, “but we have to stop these people who want to do these things, these terrible things, you know it’s just crazy, absolutely crazy, the worst, and we’re going to stop them, we’ve been taken advantage for too long and it stops now.” Asked to clarify what he had just said, Trump directed all questions at the President of Finland, before accusing him of treason and asking what’s for lunch.

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