Sexual assault allegations ‘ruin man’s life’ all the way to Oval Office

Sentient trigger warning Donald Trump has spoken today about how the accusations of sexual assault have ruined his life from the moment he was accused to winning the most powerful seat in the world for a second time.

“People will make up anything, you wouldn’t believe it, and it’s hurting fine young men, very fine young men, it’s ruining our lives in a way you’ve never seen before. They’re trying to bring us down and call us a ‘danger’ to women. But I’m going to protect all women whether they want me to or not now that I’m the president and I can do whatever I want, they can’t do anything about it.”

President “visible shudder” Trump has called the twenty-six separate detailed incidents reported over decades a ‘complex media conspiracy designed to bring him down’.

“I probably lost millions of votes over these terrible fake lies, for a minute there I thought I wouldn’t even be President again, these accusations are really terrible you know, I have to deny them every six months or so and meet with my lawyers now and then.”

“Literally no-one in the world feels more scared all the time than a man accused of sexual assault.”