Prime Minister and leader of the Joe Bjerke fan club Scott Morrison has today demanded climate protestors stop interrupting traffic, threatening to outlaw protests if the sit-ins don’t cease immediately, as they are making the end of the world extremely inconvenient for commuters.
“Look, we all dislike the idea of living in a world where unchecked carbon emissions cause increasingly erratic weather patterns and mass displacements of people, causing global instability on top of an existing global mass extinction event that’s occurring within insect populations,” explained Morrison, “but the fact is that we’ve considered doing something to prevent it and decided it would make a few rich donors very angry, so we’re just going to do nothing and you people need to accept that. If we could all just move on from the looming climate apocalypse and go back to business as usual, it would make everyone’s lives a lot easier, or at least the short portion of their lives that is left before mass droughts wipe out the global food supply.”
“Besides,” continued Morrison, “it’s not like 97% of scientists are agreed the climate problem is man-made and preventable if we act quickly, and it’s not like we have hard evidence that oil company Exxon predicted the exact rate of warming we’re now seeing, way back in 1982, and then decided to cover up the problem as it would cost them profits. No, if that were the case it’d be completely insane to not address the issue as quickly as possible.”
“And I mean, even if it is true, I’m going to be long dead by the time the worst effects kick in, so why should I care. Anyway, I have to go, Gina Rineheart has just pulled up out front with her weekly truckloads of cash, and I have to go wave them into the driveway so they don’t scrape the marble. Toodles.”
The Anti-Expert’s Guide to Everything – 2020 National Tour
Tickets ON SALE NOW