New Trump phone automatically adds users to classified war plan group chats

The Trump family business has announced its newest grift in the form of a new smartphone, much to the joy of the Congo’s finest cobalt mine slave owners.

The same name that brought you trustworthy products like Trump Steaks, Trump Vodka, Trump University, Trump Coin, and Trump Tower has finally thrown its hat in the cellular market with the announcement of the Trump Phone.

With a new quality of life feature which automatically adds all users to secret government group chats.

“Being directly texted the latest war plans is so much more convenient than waiting for them to be covered on Fox News,” said one happy customer.

Other noteworthy features of the device include:
– Randomised CAPITALISATION of WORDS in POSTS
– A daily local forecast on the chance of a shooting in your area
– Guaranteed pass through US border security
– Automated blocking of calls from annoying foreign world leaders
– The numbers of all bankruptcy and divorce lawyers in your area

When asked for comment on the new device, US Secretary of Defence Pete Hegseth simply responded: “1345: ‘Trigger Based’ F-18 1st Strike Window Starts (Target Terrorist is @ his Known Location so SHOULD BE ON TIME – also, Strike Drones Launch (MQ-9s).”