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Pope’s Easter message sends goodwill to all except gays, abortionists, Dan Brown

Pope Benedict XI has delivered his first Easter message, following Catholic tradition by issuing a heavily qualified call for peace and understanding in the world. “Easter is a time to remember Jesus’ love for the whole of humanity,” the Pope said from St Peter’s Basilica, “without forgetting that homosexuality is an abomination and abortion leads to damnation.”

“I also hated The Da Vinci Code,” the Pope added. “And I have a special seasonal message for Mr Dan Brown: I’ve sent the Opus Dei killer albinos out to get you.”

The Pope told Catholics around the world that Easter was a time for congregating with family and contributing to overpopulation by procreating and shunning contraception. “The death and resurrection of Jesus Christ is a powerful reminder that God abhors the use of prophylactics,” he explained.

The pontiff also used his Easter message to comment on international politics, praying for a peaceful end to Iran nuclear standoff with America “or, barring that, for the Christians to win”.

Pope Benedict also revealed that even he knew AWB was paying kickbacks to Saddam Hussein and asked God to improve the memories of Mark Vaile, Alexander Downer and John Howard. “At very least, please help them to read official correspondence in future, or help them to come up with more credible excuses,” he prayed.

The papal message of conditional love has been endorsed by Christian leaders in Australia. Sydney Archbishop George Pell endorsed the Pope’s comments from his pulpit on Easter Sunday shortly before publicly shunning homosexuals seeking communion.

His Anglican counterpart Archbishop Peter Jensen took a brief moment to echo the Pope’s comments and celebrate the church’s harmony unity across denominations on these issues before resuming his own Easter message to Anglicans: a bitter, vitriolic attack on women priests.

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